♥ Denziiee's Blog : Insomnia Mania

I don't know if it's the weather or just me in particular, but lately I can't go to bed as early as I want to again. It happens quite often to me, like a few weeks a month.

I don't know how it starts but, one of the nights I'll just lie in bed, staring at nothing, thinking about crazy stuff, worrying about things I shouldn't worry about or, sometimes writing songs or thoughts or doing some sketches.

Then I realize it's morning already. Usually by that time I see sunlight and I'd feel really irritated. T^T I'd think of what causes it, and blame it on the coffee I drank in the morning, or the chocolates I ate, or drinking alcohol and stuff even though I take them before 12 hours bed.

what did this to me.....

Moreover, that doesn't seem like a valid reason to be up until 5 in the afternoon the day after and going over the process for two to three weeks straight .

It'll make me feel really loud, talkative, creepily cutesy and jumpy and excited over everything. I sing "The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku" on top of my bed with a mic connected to the karaoke in the living room when my mood reaches it's hyperactive state lol lol. But you know, it's fun. I get to do alot of things in a speed of light whenever I feel in high spirits too.

The worst part is when I'd feel really psychotic and imagine stuff.. And when I want something more real, I'll play with my lip tints and collection of knives then try stabbing cushions. It feels uhm... really great and fun. Don't judge me.

But when it subsides, I'd realize I'd unconsciously started to switch in a more hibernating state without fail.

Those days, I lie in bed, I lie in bed, and I.. lie in bed. I even forget to eat sometimes. I'd lock myself in my room for days, going out only to take bathroom breaks. I rarely take a bath when I feel that way. It feels like you don't have the energy nor the motivation to do stuff. Like I'm not my usual happy energetic state.

I have had many troubles while feeling that way, I'd cry because I think I'm not worthy enough and shit. I'd think that I'm fooling myself of the happiness that I'll never get, and non of us was ever truly happy anyway and some other depressing stuff like that. I'd sleep all day then wake up, then sleep again emitting short responses when being talked to.

And the most destructive thing it made me do was not going to school for almost a whole month. It cause me to drag my grades down so badly, I had so much stuff to do and found it very, very, very hard to catch up until this day.

Honestly since 3 years ago I've been thinking about having Bipolar Disorder and even joining communities who suffer such a thing to make sure and some stuff they say are pretty accurate of what and how I feel and the things I act. But I've never had stuff like full-blown manias or anything like most of them had got into so much trouble. So I searched and found shit like ADHD and Seasonal Affective Disorder but I'm not quite sure either. Bu as I stated in my FIRST POST.. I know I'm not normal and I'll never be, so I'll just make the most out of it.

All I learned is, having such mental disorders isn't a joke. It's not something to be taken lightly. You have no idea how hard it is to accept that you don't know who you really are because all this time, all the stuff you do and think about are just "symptoms." You'll end up wondering frustrated, who am I? What am I? And you think it's fun? People not taking you seriously because they think being bipolar is just something to describe people who change mood often. But it's nothing like that. It's something serious and people shouldn't joke and brag about a mental disorder.

About the Mania thing, maybe I'll confirm of having Bipolar Disorder if I had such a destructive episode. After all, almost non of the people I had talked had their explosion after the age of 18. So I'll wait and see. And if i got one.. let's just hope I'll luckily be okay after that. I'm really, really scared out of my t*ts.

For now...

Kissy kissy. :*